An off-duty police officer was taking in the view as he rode down a river in Alva, Florida. Unfortunately, that view included 67-year-old Scott Barron, who was standing on the back of his parked sailboat, exposing himself to passing boaters as he raised his own personal mast. When the officer approached Barron and told him to stop, he responded: "[expletive deleted] you," adding that he wasn’t pleasuring himself, but exercising. Barron was then touched by the long arm of the law and taken to jail for a not-so-stiff sentence.
When Cypress Lake High School student Quadryle Davis threatened a classmate with a loaded .22 caliber revolver during a bus ride home, three other students took action by jumping the gunman and wrestling the pistol away. Authorities in Fort Myers, Florida confirmed that the gun was loaded and Davis was “pointing the gun directly” at the other student and “threatening to shoot him.” Davis was arrested and, for their heroics, the school slapped the three students with an “emergency suspension” for being involved in an “incident” with a weapon.
Want to get arrested for impersonating a police officer? There’s an app for that! A Naples, Florida police officer observed two teenagers in a pickup truck pulling over other motorists in a shopping mall parking lot with flashing lights and a siren. Suspecting the kids weren’t really police officers; the real cop pulled them over and found that Ryan McMahon Schulze and Matthew Levi Davis were using an iPhone app called “Police Lights” that mimics actual emergency lights and sirens. The real cop also found a marijuana pipe and pot in the truck and arrested them.
Immokalee, Florida’s Alvaro Francisco called 911 ten times, each time asking for a ride to Mexico, his friend’s house or his boss’s house. Finally, after the tenth call, Alvaro got his ride. However, the ride was to jail and the police report noted that Alvaro smelled of alcohol.
Strange things were afoot at the Circle K in Collier County when a shirtless and sweaty Corey Joe Stump Collier walked in holding the two knives. Deputies were called after the apparently hallucinating Stump asked someone not to eat him. Stump dropped the knives after deputies told him to do so, but kept flinching and pulling away from imaginary aliens. In what explains it all, a friend later told deputies Stump had taken ecstasy and that he might have mixed it with alcohol.
Lehigh Acres, Florida’s 23-year-old Jorge Perez has a burning in his private areas. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. Jorge told deputies he was playing with an unloaded flare gun. After play time was over, Jorge loaded the gun and put it down. When he picked the gun back up, Perez forgot the gun was loaded and fired it at the ground. The flare struck the floor and ricocheted, resulting in multiple burn wounds and lacerations to his genital area
A North Fort Myers, Florida man heard a noise coming from above and went outside to find a naked 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni running on his roof. However, Gregory wasn’t up there for long as he jumped off and tackled the homeowner. The naked Gregory then ran into the house, knocked a TV off its stand and emptied the contents of a vacuum cleaner onto the floor. After the homeowner’s wife fired three warning shots from a revolver, Gregory fell to the floor and began pleasuring himself before running into their son's bedroom and rubbing clothing on his face. Police finally arrived and after several shots of Taser, Gregory was taken to a hospital where doctors couldn’t identify the drug he was on
After an unnamed Charlotte County, Florida woman forgot her iPhone in the ladies’ room at a local Wal-Mart, it was recovered by 43-year-old Rene Marie Glynn. Unfortunately, Renee has a lengthy criminal record that was about to get a tad longer. Rene picked up the phone and contacted the owner, offering to return it for $100, otherwise she’d sell it on eBay. The phone owner's boyfriend worked with the police to set up a meeting with Rene, who accepted the bargain price of $20 for the phone and got a free ride to jail.
Naples, Florida’s Inn Place Hotel was robbed by a woman wearing gray sweats, sunglasses and a black bandana covering her mouth. The crook approached the woman at the front desk and put her hands inside her front pockets as if she had a weapon. The clerk handed over the loot and the suspect made a quick, but temporary, getaway. As the clerk was on the phone with police, the hotel received another call in which a woman described the robbery that had just taken place. It turns out that Nakilya Wright had butt-dialed the hotel and was talking to her sister Ashlie Alewine, who’d been fired by the Inn Place two days earlier. Wright later told police she used the money from the robbery to buy drugs.
Marco Island, Florida’s 22-year-old Bradley John Stiner is a real life wedding crasher. However, instead of a bridesmaid, Stiner left a wedding with police. At a beachfront wedding, Stiner ran back and forth behind the altar, lobbing beer cans and shouting, “Hey tourists, get off my beach, I’m local,” along with various obscenities. When officers asked how much alcohol he consumed, Stiner refused to answer and said he has a “right to be on the beach as a taxpaying citizen.”
Marco Island, Florida’s 38-year-old Patricia Ann Libby piled her kids into the car and drove them to school. While dropping the kids off, Patricia ran into a Smart car parked in front of the school and for good measure rammed it several more times. Patricia then accompanied her kids inside where she volunteered to chaperone the class on a field trip they were taking that day. Apparently Patricia had already taken a field trip of her own to a local watering hole. School officials called police, who gave Patricia a field sobriety test, which she failed miserably. Patricia was arrested for DUI, property damage, neglect of a child, and other charges.
high school freshman Dominique Stearns has the perfect new dress and shoes for her first homecoming dance at Cypress Lake High School. However, she’ll have to hang onto them until next year. When Dominique went to buy her ticket to the dance she was informed that she was barred from the event. What heinous crime did Dominique commit that would earn the ban? She failed to return a library book she checked out several weeks prior. Dominique says she wasn't told when to return it and when she offered to bring it back that day if they let her go to the dance, the school declined the offer. Ironically, Dominique is in an accelerated reading program.
When pursuing a career in shoplifting it’s always a good idea to equip yourself with the tools of the trade. Speaking of tools, Jonathan Ryan Fontaine went to the Port Charlotte, Florida Wal-Mart and helped himself to a 32-inch TV and walked out the door to a waiting getaway vehicle. That vehicle was a bicycle. During the ensuing pursuit, one detective drove ahead of Fontaine and the other got out of his car and pursued him on foot. When Fontaine turned around to look at the detective chasing him, he slammed into the rear of the other detective’s vehicle. Fontaine hit his head when he crashed into the car, although it likely wasn’t in top working order before the crash, and was checked out and arrested.
Port Charlotte, Florida’s Cynthia Sheik recently hailed a cab, but got a ride in a police car. The not-so-chic Sheik had a cab take her to a local convenience store. Sheik went inside the store and fearing that she was about to skip out on her fare, the cab driver called 911. As it turns out Sheik had a different crime in mind as she was robbing the store of $320. The clerk also called 911 and police arrived to take over for the cabbie and gave her a ride to jail.
East Naples, Florida’s Nikoleta Karoly's immigration visa expired last week. Not wanting to return to her country, she asked her boyfriend of two months to marry her so that she could get a new visa and stay. The presumably ex-boyfriend refused and it looks as if his decision was a wise one as Nikoleta responded to his rejection by choking him and slapping him so hard that it caused his ear to ring to the point he thought he was going deaf. When arresting officers asked Karoly about it, she told them that she hit and scratched her boyfriend while they were making love because it makes it better. Except for that part where she got arrested.
Fort Myers, Florida’s 45-year-old Jill Samantha Wooten was tired of the sofa in her apartment because it was dirty and smelled of urine. However, instead of giving it away or tossing it out, Jill dragged the sofa out of her apartment and set it on fire. Unfortunately, Jill didn’t drag it far enough and the fire quickly spread to the building, causing significant damage and Jill’s arrest on arson charges.
Sarasota, Florida grandparents Paul and Belinda Jean Berloni gave their 7-year-old granddaughter a ride in her plastic kiddie car. However, instead of pushing her down the sidewalk, they tied the car to the trailer hitch of their SUV with two dog leashes and towed her down the road as grandma cheered her on from the SUV's cargo area. Sheriff's deputies were not amused and arrested grandpa for child endangerment and, yes, his fourth DUI charge.
There are a few excuses that may get you out of a traffic ticket. This is not one of them. Sarasota, Florida police pulled Kristi Dane Clark over after she was clocked going 63 mph in a 45 mph zone. The trooper noted that Kristi and her passenger appeared nervous and that he smelled burnt marijuana. During the stop, Kristi removed a handgun and three bags of pot from her bra and a search of the car turned up more marijuana. Kristi later told the officer they were in a hurry because they were on their way to a drug deal which, needless to say, they didn’t make.
Naples, Florida’s Mark Abaire came up with an ingenious plan to get a free soda from McDonald’s. The 52-year-old Mark asked for a glass of water and took his empty cup to the machine and instead filled it with soda before going outside to enjoy his ill-gotten beverage. Mark’s little ruse didn’t go unnoticed by the manager and, after a brief conversation, he declined to pay the $1 for his soda. The manager called police and, because of prior convictions, Mark is now facing felony charges, which carry up to a $5,000 fine and five years in jail.
Lehigh Acres, Florida’s James Michael Gregory has been accused of committing a drive-by shooting. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Gregory wasn’t armed with a gun, but with Gregory. Known as the Drive-By Masturbator, police had been on the lookout for him for sometime following a string of public wankings. After his latest episode in front of a school bus stop, one student got Gregory’s license number and police carefully handcuffed him.
Cedrick Mitchell barged into a Bradenton, Florida motel room and asked the two men inside for pills. When they told Cedrick they didn’t have any pills, he pulled a gun and demanded everything they had. During the ensuing struggle, Cedrick dropped his gun and one of the men pepper sprayed him in the face. Cedrick ran away, but returned moments later and begged the men to let him buy his gun back for $40. The men again pepper sprayed Cedrick in the face and again he ran away. However, Cedrick didn’t get far as by this time the police had arrived and after a brief, teary-eyed chase he was arrested
In Naples, Florida, 51-year-old Mark Loescher was sitting in his car outside a local bank when a woman informed him that his vehicle was smoking. Apparently not taking kindly to this nugget of information, Mark pulled a gun and forced her inside the smoking sedan. When police arrived, Mark informed them he was half orangutan and needed to call the “Fusion Center” to ask about his monkey blood. He also told deputies he was the director of the CIA and later told them he was Elvis Presley’s brother and a good friend of President Bush, with whom he shares an attorney. Mark was charged with aggravated assault and other monkey business.
Two Cape Coral, Florida men were attending a martini competition when an apparently intoxicated 21-year-old Matthew Keith and his brother rode by the event on a trolley and mooned them. The two martini aficionados approached the Keith brothers and suggested they clean up their act. Such suggestions aren’t often regarded kindly by those in a drunken state and a fight ensued. Police soon caught up with the Keith brothers, who were easily identified by their blackened eyes.
A Naples, Florida Salvation Army employee went around to area bell ringers and told them he was there to collect their full buckets of donations and replace them with fresh, empty buckets. The master crime netted the 49-year-old man, who also owns and operates a landscaping company and ice cream factory, about $600. Luckily, the Salvation Army got wise to the plot and the man was caught before he could spend the ill-gotten gain. Fans of irony will let out a ‘ho, ho, ho’ when they hear the bell ringer robber’s name is Kevin L. Dinger.
It was a case of clerkus interruptus for Naples, Florida’s 31-year-old Dannial Ashley, who was apparently planning a romantic evening. No word on whether Dannial planned to have several ladies over to his place or just one lady with a big appetite, but the romantic evening came to an end before it began when he was caught by employees of a supermarket after they saw him try to stuff four steaks and some candles down his pants.
Troubled country singer MINDY MCCREADY and her son were found over the weekend hiding in a closet in the home of her boyfriend in Heber Springs, Arkansas. Authorities say the boy was in good condition and they’d arrange to send him back to his maternal grandmother in Florida, who’s been his guardian since 2007. Mindy claims the boy is being mistreated by her and took him during a visit with him last week at the boy’s father’s house. There’s no word yet on whether Mindy will face criminal charges.
--Last week, at Orange River Elementary School in Fort Myers, Florida, the assistant principal . . . 56-year-old Margaret Ann Haring . . . saw a girl walk up to a boy and KISS HIM during gym class.
-The children's ages and grade weren't released.
--And Haring's response was . . . to call CHILD WELFARE OFFICIALS. Because she was worried she'd just witnessed a sex crime. You know, that notorious sex crime of an elementary school-aged girl kissing an elementary school-aged boy.
--The person at the child welfare office told her to contact the sheriff. So she did. And a sheriff's deputy was dispatched to the school to investigate.
--The deputy concluded that there were, quote, "no new allegations of sexual abuse" so no charges were filed against the girl.
Fort Myers, Florida’s Laqweeta Neal called 911 to request assistance, but quickly hung up. Naturally, cops paid a visit and Laqweeta told them her brother slapped her in the face and twisted her arm behind her head after she provided a child with a sip from her wine cooler. Brother and sister were taken to jail, he for battery and she for child abuse.
At Charlotte High School in Punta Gorda, Florida, students of math teacher Jeff Spires got good grades thanks to hard work. That hard work didn’t involve studying, but attaching the money they made by working hard at their jobs to their test papers. In exchange for the money that students would attach to the quizzes, Spires would bump up their grades. School officials finally caught on and when asked why he did it, Spires said he was in financial straits due to bankruptcy, arrests for DUI and probation violation, and jail time.
If you’re wondering where America’s future Real Housewives are coming from, look no further than Fort Myers, Florida. When an unnamed girl was told to stop eating candy on the school bus, she became upset. By ‘upset’ we mean she spit on the driver and threw rocks at the bus. When police arrived and asked her to stop throwing rocks, she said, “Shut the f**k up. I will f***ing kill you” before tossing a patio chair at the officer. The fourth-grade girl is now facing felony charges at the ripe old age of nine.
One unidentified 21-year-old Vallejo, California man is a real swinger. The man’s friends bet him $100 that he couldn’t fit in one of those baby swings at a local park. After lubing himself with liquid laundry detergent, he shimmied into the swing’s two leg holes. As for shimmying out, he was slightly less successful. His legs soon swelled up and he became stuck. That’s when his friends bailed on him and it wasn’t until the next morning when a groundskeeper heard him screaming that firefighters arrived, cut the chains and took him to a hospital still in the swing.
Michael Pfister lost his cell phone at the recent Zombicon event in downtown Fort Myers, Florida. Luckily for Michael, his phone was found by Joel Ervin. No, Joel wasn’t a Good Samaritan offering to return Michael’s phone. Joel was a stupid crook who texted Michael’s girlfriend, saying he had the phone and would sell it back to him for $200. The two arranged a meeting, at which point Joel upped the price to $300. The transaction was completed and Joel drove away. However, he didn’t get far as Michael relayed Joel’s description and vehicle information to the police, who quickly made the arrest and returned Michael’s cash and cell phone.
Last week, 30-year-old Matthew Falkner of Palm City, Florida went through the Taco Bell drive thru late at night.
--Apparently, he drunkenly PASSED OUT in the drive thru lane after he got his food. Fortunately, his truck was in park . . . but his foot was on the gas . . . so the truck was just sitting there, revving and smoking.
--The Taco Bell manager called the cops. When they got there, they opened the door, took Matthew's foot off the gas, and then woke him up.
--They asked for his ID. But instead of giving them a driver's license, Matthew presented . . . a Taco Bell taco.
--He blew a 0.227 on the breathalyzer . . . almost three times the legal limit . . . and was arrested for DUI.
Getting caught with his pants part way down was Port Charlotte, Florida’s 14-year-old Antonio Kleiss. After Donna Decker called 911 to report a suspicious male inside an unlocked vehicle, she approached Antonio, who told her the vehicle belonged to his grandfather. However, when Donna told him to wait for police, Antonio hit the bricks, with his shorts slipping down to expose his red underwear. Donna directed police to a nearby apartment building, where Antonio was found after a, ahem, brief search. Police found Antonio with an ignition part stolen from the vehicle and Donna was able to ID him for police thanks to his red undies.
After a motorcyclist collided with a car, he became pinned beneath the burning wreckage. Witnesses rushed to the burning vehicle and lifted it up while another bystander pulled the man to safety. The biker is hospitalized with two broken legs, a broken pelvis, road rash, burns on his left foot and abrasions to his forehead and is in satisfactory condition. (See Today Show report here)
The mother of East Naples, Florida’s Cory William Morrel yelled at him for practicing his martial arts in the house. Cory quickly got mom to stop yelling profanities at him for about five minutes. That was the amount of time mom was unconscious after Cory kicked her in the head. Deputies arrived to find mom disoriented and nervous and unable to recall what happened. Cory filled the deputies in and they arrested him for domestic battery.
Two women joggers in Geyserville, California got scared after a white van passed by them with its side door open. The van stopped and circled around several times. The women became so frightened that they jumped a fence near Highway 101 to get away and called police. Law enforcement agencies set up checkpoints and the sheriff’s helicopter searched the area and finally located the white van, which they discovered was delivering telephone books.
If You Want to Win at Monopoly, Buy Illinois Avenue and the Orange Properties Near Free Parking
If you want to win at Monopoly, take advantage of the people getting out of jail.
--A group of mathematicians figured out which properties were the best ones to buy, based on their rent, and the likelihood people will land on them.
--It turns out the best property to get is Illinois Avenue. That's one of the red ones, just past the Free Parking corner.
--B&O Railroad, right next to Illinois, is the next best property to buy.
--If you're looking to buy all of one color's properties so you can build houses, your best bet are the orange properties: New York Avenue, Tennessee Avenue, and St. James Place
--That's because those properties are six to nine spots away from jail, which means that people just getting out of jail are most likely to land on them.
--Illinois and B&O are 14 and 15 spots away, which means they're likely to land there on their SECOND turn out of jail.
--Boardwalk and Park Place have the highest rents, but they come after the "Go to Jail" square, which means that fewer people land on them.
--Jail can also help you late in the game. If you're stuck in jail, you won't land on other people's houses and hotels and have to pay up. The mathematicians say that once all the properties have been purchased, you should NEVER pay $50 to get out of jail early.
A couple ran into TOM HANKS filling up at a gas station near his Pacific Palisades home and mentioned that they just saw his Larry Crowne movie. According to the National Enquirer’s Mike Walker, when Tom asked them how they liked it, the guy said, “Well, not that much. In fact, it wasn’t very good.” The woman turned red and told Tom: “Actually, it wasn’t that bad. We were just expecting it to be a lot better.” Hanks not only starred in the movie, he directed and co-wrote it and he shook his head and apologized and offered to refund their ticket money. Tom took $25 out of his wallet and while the woman protested, her man took the money! Tom finished pumping, waved at the couple and told them: “We’ll do a better job next time!”
A Bonita Springs, Florida deputy answered a call about a suspicious person trying to light things on fire. That person turned out to be Juan Castaneda, who was apparently trying to light a cigarette. When the deputy suggested that Juan go back inside his home, he told the deputy he hated cops and tried to use the lighter in his hand to set the deputy’s uniform on fire. Juan was arrested for resisting arrest without violence and, yes, disorderly intoxication.
Rihanna now claims she doesn't want to be a role model
Doctors in Britain say 20-year-old video game junkie Chris Staniforth died from sitting in front of his Xbox for too long. He was killed by a pulmonary embolism, which can occur if someone sits in the same position for several hours. His father said Chris would spend up to 12 hours at a time playing Halo online against people from all over the world.
Seymour, Indiana’s John Newcomb was pulling a trailer with his pickup truck when he sideswiped a parked vehicle and crashed into a tree. Not surprisingly, when police arrived, they arrested the 38-year-old Newcomb on DUI charges. However, it wasn’t just the alcohol leaving Newcomb red-faced. It seems he is, or perhaps was, Seymour Police Officer John Newcomb, who’s the School Resource Officer, responsible mentoring students and warning them about the dangers of drinking and driving. If fans of irony aren’t already woozy, Office Newcomb was pulling the Drug Abuse Resistance Education trailer when he crashed.
South Korean scientists have created a glow in the dark dog. They claim that it's a great step in fighting Alzheimer's and other diseases, but didn’t really explain how. (See here)
A member of the Royal Australian Air Force recently suffered life-threatening third-degree burns during a U.S.-led military exercise. Unfortunately, he probably won’t qualify for any sort of Purple Heart award. It seems he received the burns after he lit a cigarette while relieving himself in a port-a-potty. Investigators believe the explosion may have been set off by methane gasses inside the loo.