Spam Massacre: Florida Man Unleashes the Pee at Sam’s Club
When nature called, he answered. Right on 2,700 cans of Spam and 3,300 Vienna sausages. The bladder strikes again, Florida Man style.
Spam is my jam. No, seriously. I lived in Hawaii back in my 20s and Spam basically kept me alive. You ever tried living in Hawaii on a tight budget? It's beautiful, but holy cow, it’s expensive. Spam was my best friend. Spam and rice, Spam and eggs, Spam for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And don’t even get me started on Spam musubi... Those little rice-and-Spam sushi-like snacks you grab at the convenience store? Absolute heaven.
So when I hear about some Florida man peeing on Spam, I take it personally.
His name is Patrick Mitchell. He’s 70 years old and lives in The Villages, which kind of explains a lot, honestly. (If you know, you know.) According to the Smoking Gun, This whole thing went down at a Sam’s Club near Orlando on May 30th. For reasons no one will ever understand, Patrick decided to turn aisle five into his personal bathroom. But he didn’t just sneak a little tinkle behind the pallets — oh no. He went full spray mode on two entire pallets: one stacked with Spam and another piled high with Vienna sausages.
Spam Damage:
We’re talking major damage here. After his “performance,” he casually strolled around the snack section, like nothing happened. Sat down on some patio furniture for ten minutes, probably admiring his work. Then, get this — he actually paid for the stuff in his cart and left like a normal shopper.
Cops were able to track him down using his Sam’s Club membership card (not exactly criminal mastermind behavior, Patrick) and arrested him at his home in The Villages. He’s now facing charges for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief. That second one is a felony because he destroyed more than $1,000 worth of product. Try over $10,000, actually — $10,585 to be exact. That’s 3,300 cans of Vienna sausages and 2,700 cans of Spam in the trash.
All because one dude couldn’t hold it. I mean, seriously, Patrick — you guys in The Villages have those little scooters. Couldn’t you have just scooted to the bathroom? Literally anything would’ve been better than peeing on my precious canned meat.
RIP to all that wasted canned meat. You deserved better.
