Florida Woman Busted After Stashing Pills in the Most Unexpected Place

Yeah, Florida man and Florida woman are famous for being creative under pressure, but sometimes their creativity goes places no human anatomy class ever prepared us for. And trust me, growing up, I remember being told a thousand times, “Don’t stick anything in your nose! Don’t put that in your ear!”

Apparently, some people skipped that day in kindergarten, because here in Florida, folks will try to hide literally anything anywhere if they think it’ll keep them out of trouble.

Take this Orlando woman, for example. And listen — I’m no angel. I’ve made mistakes in life, like accidentally microwaving aluminum foil that one time and almost sending my kitchen into hyperspace. But even at MY lowest points, I’ve never thought, “You know what? Let me tuck this into my… personal storage compartment.”

But according to the Observer Local News, that’s exactly what happened.

So here’s the story. A Sheriff’s Office deputy pulls over this woman because she blows through a red light like she thought it was optional. Not great. And to make matters worse, she had a minor in the car. The deputy immediately notices she’s pretty inebriated — wobbling, slurring, the whole Florida starter pack. She fails the field sobriety test faster than I fail to understand IKEA directions.

So off to jail she goes for the official breathalyzer… except plot twist: her blood alcohol content was zero. Zilch. Now the deputies are confused. Suddenly it’s like an episode of CSI: Orlando. They ask for a urine sample to check for other substances, and she refuses.

That’s when they take her for a standard intake search, and oh boy — things get weird.

Deputies find seven and a half alprazolam pills in her sock. Okay… weird place, but still normal by Florida standards. But THEN they discover more pills wrapped in clear plastic hidden in her genitals. And security footage later shows her reaching into her bra padding in the patrol car and—yep—relocating the stash to her lower hemisphere.

She was eventually charged with drug possession, tampering with evidence, bringing contraband into a secure facility, AND got hit with a DUI citation plus a citation for refusing the urine sample.

Moral of the story? Own up to your mistakes. And for the love of Florida, stop hiding things inside your body like you’re a human storage unit.