Pizza Attack: Florida Man Disrespects the Dough

Look, I’m not here to give lectures about relationships or how people argue, but can we just talk about the real crime here? A man in Florida slapped someone with a slice of pizza. That’s not just assault—it’s a straight-up waste of good pizza.

According to FOX35,  this dude, Ortelio Alfonso, allegedly got into an argument with a woman at his house in Marion County. He got mad because she apparently spanked someone—yeah, that’s literally what started it. And instead of using words like a grown-up, he grabbed a slice and slapped her with it.

 Deputies rolled up after a 911 hang-up call and found the woman with sauce all over her shirt, and pieces in her hair and ear. The man even admitted to it. They even found sauce on the walls and the ceiling... that pizza never had a chance.

Now, I’m not saying hitting someone with your hand is better. Violence is never cool, no matter how you slice it (pun intended). But slapping somebody with a pizza? That’s just disrespectful—to the person and the pizza.

Pizza didn’t sign up for this. Pizza was made to bring people together. Nobody ever had a bad day and said, “You know what would make this worse? A fresh hot slice of pepperoni.” Nah, pizza is comfort. It’s celebration. Like It’s the thing that shows up to every birthday party, sleepover, and family game night. It’s there for you when no one else is. And this guy used it as a weapon? Come on, man.

You think the person who made that pizza did it so it could end up stuck to someone’s face and dripping down their ear? No way. That pie was probably made with love—maybe even a little pride. Whether it came from Papa John, Little Caesars, or some dude named Tony in a strip mall, that slice was meant to be eaten, not thrown.

To be honest, if I ever got into a fight over something dumb, I’d probably sit down and eat first before throwing hands. Because eating a good pie calms you down. Maybe if this dude had just taken a bite instead of swinging it, the whole thing wouldn’t have happened.

So yeah, violence is wrong. We all know that. But wasting pizza? That’s wrong and dumb. If the pizza is good, let it live its purpose: getting eaten. Not ending up on a kitchen ceiling or stuck in somebody’s hair. Respect the pie.